A few weeks ago (shortly after this post), I went to see a BodyTalk specialist for a little energy healing. I was surprised to hear her say that she was pulling out a lot of guilt. I thought that was something I'd moved past, but when I think about it now, I guess it's not that shocking. I imagine I'll always feel a certain sense of responsibility when it comes to what happened to Annalee. No matter how much I tell myself that there was nothing I could've done, it's hard to shake the what ifs.
More so than the guilt I feel about Annalee, is the guilt I feel about Elliot's pregnancy. It really bothers me that I was so stressed out for the whole thing. Of course there were many moments of pure joy, but even now, I look back at the experience with so much dread and anxiety.
I saw this quote the other day and it made me wish that I had faced his pregnancy with this sort of attitude.
After my appointment, the woman asked me what Elliot was like. When I told her that he was a very laid back baby, she was surprised. Babies can feel that stress in the womb and oftentimes become anxious. Then she said this:
'Annalee must've just wrapped herself around him and protected him from all of that worry. What a beautiful gift.'
That image brings me so much comfort. Our girl little girl was protecting her brother in bigger ways than I could've imagined.