Tuesday, 13 September 2016

Elliot John Palmiere

Eric and I, our family and friends all breathed a sigh of relief on May 26th when we welcomed our baby boy, Elliot, into the world.

We decided before I even got pregnant that I would be induced around 37 weeks with this baby. While I'm generally not a huge fan of medical intervention, we were desperate to meet this little one before the 38 week 5 day mark when we lost Annalee. As we got closer and closer to the end my anxiety went through the roof. I was scared to go to sleep- to go hours without knowing whether or not the baby moved (there were a lot of 2am doppler checks). As uneventful as my pregnancy was, I was so happy when it was over and he was here. The minute he came out wide awake and crying was he most reassuring, joyous moment of my life. I hate that I look back on his pregnancy as such a traumatic event, but it was worth every minute of stress. I treasure plenty of the little moments with him in my belly, but it may take me a while to fully appreciate the entire nine months.

He's nearly four months old now and he is the most chill baby. He makes us laugh every day- he's smiling and chatting and wiggling his way around. There have been so many moments since the beginning where I catch myself staring at him and wondering what Annalee would've been like at his age. Would she have looked like him? Would their temperament be the same? I think I will always wonder. It'll be a fine balance to ensure that Elliot always knows his sister, but never feels like he's living in her shadow. Without Annalee, there would be no Elliot and I thank her everyday for keeping this little boy safe and bringing him into our lives.


It's been too long since I've posted anything here. So much has happened- the birth of our son! Annalee's first birthday! More to come on both of those...

I think I've been avoiding this space a bit again. Posting here means really facing my feelings and with new mom hormones and the overwhelming joy of a new baby, I haven't been up for dealing with grief. Grief is exhausting and when you're already running on adrenaline and broken sleep, it seems like a better idea to put it on the back burner and power through.

Lately though, I've been thinking more and more about this space and what we've been through and it feels like it's time to get back to it. I'm not doing myself any favours by ignoring things and I feel like in a weird way, I'm seeing our experience with fresh eyes. We're no less devastated about losing Annalee, but I find more joy now. I'm excited for our baby boy to know about Annalee and for her to watch him grow up.