3 Months

We celebrated Annalee's 3 month birthday yesterday. It was a beautiful day for a picnic out at Forget-Me-Not Pond in Kananaskis. As expected, the day was full of sadness, but we managed to have a lot of laughs too. We could feel Annalee around us all day- the leaves blowing like confetti and the little grasshopper that sat on Eric's knee and watched us have lunch. We know you're with us, sweet girl.

There are days when it feels like things might be getting easier, but then the heartbreak returns and the grief hits like a ton of bricks. Even though we have more good days than bad, we're always on the brink of tears. This is not at all what our lives were supposed to be like and it's hard not to be angry about that. I'm sure there are lessons to be learned in all of this, but I would've rather gone a lifetime without knowing them if it meant having our Annalee here.

Keep on Living...

Eric's birthday was less than two weeks after Annalee was born and for the first time in a long time we went out and celebrated with friends (he's usually not much of a birthday guy). Shortly after that, we went out for Stampede, we went for drinks with friends, we went to different events around the city. I knew we couldn't stay cooped up at home, but every so often I'd feel really weird about the fact that we were out doing normal things. I'd run into people we know and wonder if they thought that maybe we weren't sad enough. When I told this to a close friend of mine she shared something that someone had told her:

'Just keep living until you feel alive again.'

So that's what we do. I feel like we've done more this summer than ever. We've made more plans and crossed things off our bucket list. I'm sure it's partly for distraction's sake, but it also feels like we're honoring Annalee by living our lives more fully. I like to think that these are the things we would've done if she were here, so we're doing them with her in our hearts.

A Quote

My Mom sends us cards every once in a while with beautiful quotes- nothing else- just a little note to keep us going. It's the best.

Funny Girl

Even though we'll never know what Annalee would've been like, we know for certain that she was funny. When she was in my belly, Eric would come home and they would have play time. Eric would tap a spot, she'd kick back and we would laugh. This would go on almost all evening. It was awesome.

Even though she's not physically with us, I know she's around and she's still making me laugh. Whenever things get overwhelming, something funny will happen. The first time I went to my chiropractor after she was born, I had to tell him what happened and started to cry. When I looked up from sobbing, I noticed that his fly was undone. I didn't say anything (because awkward!), but I couldn't help but laugh to myself.
The first time I went back to yoga, we were outside on a rooftop and it was so serene and beautiful. The teacher asked us to focus on our hearts. Mine being so incredibly broken, tears were starting to fall when all of a sudden a train went by, screeching its brakes and breaking the mood entirely. Again, I had to laugh.

These silly little things happen all the time and I love it. I know it's her way of helping her mama heal.